What Should I Teach My Children?

Women for Decency © 2012 All rights reserved

What is the best way to share your values with those you value most?

Most of us want to instill in our family our own personal values about relationships, sex, intimacy, love, and marriage. Unfortunately, the powerful, irresponsible messages of pornography may be educating our children on these very important life issues. Just as 30-second commercials can influence whether or not we choose one soft drink over another, exposure to pornography shapes our attitudes, values and our behavior.

Parents are the first line of defense in protecting their children.

However, some parents are unsure or confused about when to talk to their kids about such an important topic, and feel torn between giving their child too much or too little for their age.

It is vital that you don't have just one "porn talk." Instead you should start talking to your child early, in an age-appropriate way, about pornography, and continue the discussions throughout their teenage years.

Will discussing pornography make the problem worse? Or raise curiosity?

In society today, pornography is rampant; most children are exposed to pornography by age nine, and virtually all children will be exposed by the time they graduate from high school. As a result, it is necessary to discuss pornography openly.

We may be afraid of creating curiosity by talking about sex and pornography; however, treating them as “forbidden” subjects increases their attraction. We don’t want kids to hear just enough information to create curiosity without giving them all of the knowledge they need to be safe. Use clear language and don’t talk around the issue. We want to be their first source for this information; that means we have to start early.

Without this discussion, children and teens could be left with the impression that pornography is harmless entertainment.

Openness does not mean condoning immoral behavior or minimizing consequences; instead, it involves teaching the truths about the consequences of viewing pornography and creating a relationship where it is safe to discuss exposure to pornography.

Discussing the specifics of pornography can be uncomfortable.

Pornography is a dark and heavy subject, there's no getting around it. But the effort you put into loving your children and having a good relationship with them, including teaching them what they need to know to avoid pornography, will bring satisfying and positive results.

	Identify personal and family vulnerabilities, then work on developing strong internal filters. Software filters are important and effective; however, pornography intrusion is powerful. There is no switch that will cut it off entirely. The burden ultimately falls where it always has: individual responsibility. Having a personal internal filter is far more effective than any computer software filter. Help your children develop a compass of solid internal values as well as coping skills to handle unsolicited obscenity. Parents are careful to protect children with coats and rain gear for bad weather. How much more critical is the need to protect them with good decision-making skills to avoid the ubiquitous onslaught of pornography? Just like parents are hesitant to talk about sex and pornography with children because they want their children to remain innocent, youth are often hesitant to talk about these issues because they think their parents are naïve and don’t know about pornography. They won’t be comfortable talking if parents haven’t talked openly about naked pictures, sex, and pornography, as appropriate for their age and personality. Talk to your children about sexuality Pornography is inextricably linked to sex, and a child who receives accurate information from an early age will be much better equipped to deal with porn when they encounter it. Have open and honest discussions with your children about sexual matters. Children’s picture of positive sexuality must be crystal clear so they can tell the difference when they see distorted sexuality. "Teaching Children About Sex" suggestions in the sidebar to the right may be helpful to you. Educate yourself on the dangers of pornography Prepare yourself with an understanding of the serious and damaging effects of pornography on your children and your family. Learn more about How Porn Harms. Teach family members about the dangers of pornography Children need to understand the serious consequences of engaging in pornography. Personal standards must be established ahead of time to avoid desensitization to offensive, immoral or pornographic material. Communication at any age is the best way to teach your kids what you value. Here are some of the things children should know about pornography, adapted to their age and personality: Pornography does not show real, positive sexual relationships. It is not a good source to learn about sex and can create damaging expectations of what sex is. Pornography shows and teaches disrespect and abuse to women and children. Pornography isolates people and can damage their relationships. Pornography can be addictive; recovery is possible, but difficult. It is much better to avoid the risk of addiction. Talk about your values and how they are connected to pornography. Here are Communication Ideas and Conversation Starters to assist you. Have open discussions about media use Establish media guidelines and rules for your family. Teach children what to watch out for and how to respond when they encounter pornographic images or information: Name it [identify it as pornography]. Cover your eyes and/or ears as quickly as you can. Identify the lie and opposing truth about sexuality. Tell someone about the exposure as soon as possible. Turn to something positive, uplifting, and wholesome to refocus your mind, body, and spirit. Learn from the experience and identify ways that it might be avoided in the future. Jill Manning, What’s the Big Deal About Pornography? 2008, p. 80 Learn more about establishing Family Media Guidelines. Create and post guidelines such as these Internet Safety Pledges for computer and internet use It's important to not just think about guidelines for your family. Write them down, print it out, and have each member of your family sign it. Post the pledge in a prominent place in your home. Continue the discussion Regular, open communication about pornography with family members reinforces the commitment to core values and family rules that are established and agreed upon. Continuous talks as children grow older will only enrich and educate them, thereby equipping them to deal with whatever they may encounter on the computer or other media sources.




					Teaching Children About Sex What is the most important thing when talking to kids about sex? The single most important thing is to make it a positive, exciting, joyful subject and to link the subject to marriage and family and to love and commitment in a clear and positive way. But can I decide what is best for my child, or does he have the right to grow up and decide for himself? Not to teach him what our experience (and our heart) tells us is best is the most serious form of parental abdication of responsibility. But what if I'm not sure what is best? One of the most demanding (and most beneficial) parts of parenting is sorting out what we believe, so we can teach those beliefs with honesty to our children. No one can do that for you. Here are some helpful links to teach your children about sexuality as they become ready to learn: Values Parenting A Parent's Guide How to talk to your child about sex Online Help Center 10 principles to keep in mind when talking with a child or teen.

	First off, deal with their feelings and perceptions, not the details of what they saw. Hopefully you have already had clear and age-appropriate conversations with them about sexuality. Even so, it is highly likely that they probably did not understand the images that they saw. Thank your child for letting you know about it. Listen to their questions and answer them as honestly as you can. You can express your opinion of pornography and explain that usually the people in pornography are paid but there is also a lot of exploitation going on in the industry as well. Be clear that pornography is fantasy and is not a real-life depiction of human bodies nor of human sexuality. Check your filters and parental controls to be sure they are current and updated. Get help from outside sources if you need it.

	Example is the most powerful tool we have for our families. Children will follow their parents' model of how to talk about pornography. If we want them to tell us about their exposure and experiences, we must teach them the words to use and show by our example that it is safe and appropriate to talk about it at home. Tell them your experiences about being unwillingly exposed to inappropriate things, how you felt, and what you did (or wish you did) about it. If we raise our personal standard for wholesome media intake, then that's even better. Our good example will build credibility and trust in our teachings. Choose wholesome media. Dress modestly. Treat family members with love, loyalty, and respect. Immediately turn away from suggestive images and teach your children to do the same. For example, change TV channels or turn it off when inappropriate scenes or shows are on. Let your children know what you're personally doing to keep these images from your view. Learn to Speak Up for Decency in your schools and communities as an example to your family. Download the brochure: Helping Your Child Through Early Adolescence which has a section on being a good example, as well as suggestions on limiting media and teaching values.

Additional Resources

SA Lifeline's Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction has lessons you can use for children and teens in teaching about the value of the body and wholesome relationships.

A Parent's Guide To help you teach intimacy to children from birth through courtship and marriage.

Kids in the Know age appropriate Safety & the Internet brochures provided by the Canadian Centre for Child Protection Inc

What Should You Say? Video seminar by therapist Jeff Ford.

The Trap: A Story to Help Teach Children Modesty and Protect Them from Pornography by Karmel H. Newell

A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey with Your Kids About Sex by Dr. Kevin Leman and Kathy Flores Bell